Proudly skimming books since 6th grade, this talent is finally coming into its own as a dad when there is just No Time. This quasi-semi-monthly entry: Achtung Baby! An American Mom on the German Art of Raising Self-Reliant Children. Interesting title, combining a catchy and brilliant repurposing of one of U2’s better albums and then stapling it to a very long subtitle that sort of gives away the entire book. But whatever!
Much like the rest of the sub-genre of “American mom goes to _____ and learns that parents parent different there” (Bringing up Bebe being the most famous but I assure you Amazon has about a dozen clones to sell me. Danish parenting! Swedish parenting! &c. &c.) it is a pretty breezy read, mostly anecdotal with some fun travelogue sprinkled in. The first chunk talks a lot about how giving birth and the emphasis on midwifery in Germany. Then there’s a more aggressive portion debunking Attachment Parenting and–by association–it’s Okay to Send Your Kid to Daycare. The whole debate about Attachment Parenting is a little outside the scope of this article, but it’s a classic fault line among parenting philosophies. Personally, I find Attachment full of crap. It’s based on shoddy science with no evidence worthy of the name and it’s appeal stems from granting a false sense of control to the parents. But I digress.
Anyway, the big take-away of the book is right there in the ponderous subheading: the goal of parenting is raising an independent human being and that’s something that can be practiced from a very young age in an ever-widening circle of activities. The kind (early German childcare centers) place a heavy emphasis on soft skills: conflict resolution, determination, creativity, self-drive, etc. It’s a little bit of a surprise, since when you read the term “German Classroom” the most common assumption would be regimented rows of blond moppets dutifully reciting the multiplication tables. But that is most definitely not the case. It’s very unstructured, up to the point where there is “unstructured time’ where they have to put all the toys away… and then figure out how to play! She quoted a study that showed reading proficiency at age 11/12 had zero correlation with how early they learned to read. So instead of jamming the alphabet down their throats, it’s more effective and important to work on the social skills.
The other point that really popped out at me was a deliberate effort to introduce them to risk. Sharp scissors, matches–hell, sex-ed–is all part of the curriculum. The “fire-play” example is instructive. A teacher helps 5-year-olds light safety matches and then repeatedly practice it so often, it probably gets boring. They then have to build and maintain a small fire while a playmate roasts a sausage over it. The thinking here is that you remove the stigma and the forbidden-fruit allure. Instead of surreptitiously playing with matches in the bedroom (and afraid to call for help if something goes wrong), they bring it out in the open and practice together. Ditto for riding the bus, walking on their own to school, playing on the playground, using sharp knives to cut vegetables, and so on.
A while back I heard about a study that asked participants to write down their top ten most vivid childhood memories. What struck the researchers was a vast majority of memories… did not have the parents as a part of it. That the parts of childhood that most shaped and echoed them were those were mom and dad were not hovering nearby, but those first moments of individuality. Where instead of being a “son” or “daughter” you were forging the “you”. I can already feel the tug inside me, both wanting to be a part of every moment of the Baby Raptor’s life… yet intellectually realizing that she is going to have Her Firsts… and they won’t be hers if I’m right there making sure everything goes right.
Benalish Dad 