We were at the playground where Chandra was playing on one of those spinny things, taking turns with another boy. I overheard her say–very matter-of-factly–to the boy, “You look like a monkey.”

The little boy was Black.

I instantly picked up Chandra with a stern, “That is not a nice thing to say.” and carry her off. Chandra melted down as she knew she did something wrong. After three minutes of demanding “space” she calmed down enough to where we could find the family to go apologize. Which was adequately done.

Then came the second part, the conversation with the other dad. I explained what my daughter said, her apology and mine. Then I tried to ask, “Is there anything else you think I should talk about with my daughter?” It was hard asking a question, since it can very easily come off as, “And how do you think we should solve systemic racism in America?” and/or putting the burden on them to solve my problem. But I think it was important for me to put myself in the place of seeking help. The other dad was very calm about it, he thought that it fundamentally came from a place of honesty, similar to how his daughter has two friends she calls brown Sarah and white Sarah. It’s important to talk about differences to we don’t accidentally impart a sense of faux color-blindness. It was a good conversation and I hope to see them again at the park.

After an extensive debrief with the Benalish Mom, we settled on the following:

Don’t freeze.

This is learned skill that I adopted from a friend who has an MD in child psych and three kiddos. If something happens that requires discipline, take action immediately, even if it’s the middle of a wedding ceremony. Pick them up and remove them from the situation so you can parent without the distraction of being the center of attention.

It’s not just your offspring, it’s also you.

For me, it wouldn’t be enough to just send Chandra to bellow an apology. It was important to have a conversation with the other dad. First, so he would have all the facts. What if his son mentioned, “A little girl said I looked like a monkey.” on the drive home? Second, I felt like I had to own my portion of what happened (more on that below) and share in the shame. There’s a line (I think it’s Ibrahim Kendi but I’m not sure) that if you want to be a force for positive change, then you have to be willing to put your privilege at risk. I have the power of ignoring that this happened and distance myself from it by putting it entirely on Chandra to apologize. She’s three years old. Clearly I have culpability here.

Review unthinking choices

What culpability is that? Well due to the legacy of redlining in our neighborhood and the economic realities of full-time childcare, we realized that this was probably the first time Chandra had played with a Black child her own age since developing language. Sure we read lots of books with a diverse cast of characters, but there is no substitute for human interaction. As such, we’re going to make sure that we take the time and plan outings further out from out neighborhood. Be in places where we are the only white faces (in restaurants, parks etc.).