During Lil’ Chandra earliest (and pre-earliest) days, I tried to keep a semi-regular journal of what was helpful and what was not helpful. What resources did we keep going back to and which baby classes had me pleading with the Benalish Momma to cut class at lunch. What’s funny about it is that the sleep deprivation is so real, I have almost no memory of any of this. However I have reason to trust the author knew what he was talking about at the time. –May 2019

So you’re having a baby! Congratulations! We’ll start off with the first rule: YMMV. You’re Mileage May Vary. Much like wedding planning (and anything else that is both expensive and emotionally fraught) the only rule is to figure out what works best for you as a couple. Plus, there is a major “N of 1” problem with all parenting advice: just because it worked for Lil’ Chandra does not guarantee that it will work for you. I tried to keep everything here at a higher level, more of a framework for the struggles we faced and how we made decisions. This is a sketch of what worked out for our family. This has into two parts, the pre-birth prep and the whole “omg baby” part.

Shopping

Babies require stuff. Incredible, mind-blowing amounts of stuff. Some of it they need, some of it the parents need, some of it the parents think they need, think they might need, etc. etc. As such, it’s really about your own research process and deciding what you want to do for your child. Friends of ours gave us immaculately organized lists and I found each of them kinda useless. First and foremost, there’s really no substitute for doing your own research and learning about the different kinds of strollers, carriers, pumping systems &c. The thoughtful equipment lists forwarded by your friends are almost incomprehensible to novice parents. Second, there are weird dependency-chains, where the carseat influences the strollers you can use, etc. Sadly, I have found no shortcut to doing your own research.

Great resource: Lucie’s List (www.lucieslist.com) Blunt, well-organized, and quite funny, Lucie’s List breaks down parenting gear by “$, $$, or $$$” and her best choices in each category.

We also got the “Finnish Baby Box” (https://www.finnishbabybox.com/us/en) It’s a giant box (that can double as a bassinet/crib) just filled with everything a newborn needs. Great one-stop shop. It’s gender neutral (lots of greens and grays) and has been very wonderful.

In a world of Amazon, you don’t really *need* everything before the baby comes home. You can easily change a baby on the dining room table atop dish towels until you figure out the perfect changing table solution that you want. However, the absolute bare-minimum that you will want to have when you come home:

• Car Seat
• 40+ newborn diapers (yes you will use 8+ a day)
• Several packages of wet wipes
• A package or two of liquid Similac, or other formula (yes, even if you don’t want to use formula. See below)
• A sleep sack or swaddle (binding the baby’s limbs prevent them from waking themselves up when they fling their arms around in sleep)

Stop dodging the question and tell me what you bought

Alright, fine. But I’m telling you, the answers aren’t going to be as helpful as you thought. I’m omitting stuff like onesies, adorable hats, blankets that you’ll almost be certain to be drowning in from well-meaning gifts.

Consumables

Diapers: Honest brand disposable diapers
Bottles: Dr. Brown’s Bottles (we used the Preemie nipples through 2 months just fine)
Wipes: Cottonelle Fresh Care Flushable Wipes
Formula: Similiac Pro Advance (using powder from the get-go)

Infrastructure

Car Seat: Cybex Aton 2 (more expensive, but light and small enough to fit in a non-SUV)Changing Table: PooPoose Changing Pad (non-fabric which means it can be cleaned with a wet wipe!)
Breast Pump: Spectra Breast Pump (there’s a new tiny, portable version that has a rechargeable battery that I highly recommend.)
Skip Go Changing Pad (“Pronto”) Can fit a few diapers and some wipes. The original Benalish Briefcase!
Front Pack: Ergobaby 360 (be sure to also buy the infant insert)
Swaddles: SwaddleMe Original (yes you can swaddle with just a blanket with good technique, but these are slightly elastic and have some velcro and make your life 10x easier.)
Bassinet: Halo Swivel Sleeper
Pack n Play: Graco Pack n Play On the Go (the infant insert is critical for saving your back)
Combined nursing & pumping bra for work (Rumina):
Pumping bra for work (not as easy for nursing) – Dairy Fairy:

Useful Books

Brain Rules for Baby, John Medina. Given to me by a friend who has an MD in child-psych, she described it as the only book that is actually evidence-based. As such, it’s actually quite short! But is a good overview on what we *actually know* about hotly contested topics like screen-time, sleep rules, and so forth. There’s also a ‘picture book’ version (by the same publishing house) called “From Zero to Five” that covers the same material but instead of going into the research it hits the to-do highlights with large pictures of adorable families playing together.

Bringing Up Bebe, Pamela Druckerman. A very entertaining and thoughtful look into the French parenting style. It emphasizes toddlers and how to avoid the “le petit roi“, the Little King. Not exactly spoiled, but rather is the kid calling the shots. And it is a fate to be avoided at all costs. 

The Happy Sleeper, Julie Wright and Heather Turgeon. The one thing that is impossible to prepare for is the chronic sleep deprivation that a child inevitably brings. Not only is it a burden, but it so impacts your own thinking, willpower, etc. that it can fuel a vicious cycle. The Happy Sleeper provides a great structure for thinking about sleep and how to help your baby sleep, both pre and post sleep training.

You’ll note the lack of “giving birth” books in this list. The Benalish Mom read quite a few (which makes sense since it was happening to her body). But looking back on it, she said, “Focusing so much on the birth process felt like spending all my energy on planning the wedding not on preparing for a lifetime of marriage.” It was good to be informed about what was happening but ultimately not that impactful.

Classes

Probably the single greatest YMMV, often each class has a LOT of overlap with any other class you take. For us, the one-day birth overview had a lot of redundancy with pain management and so forth. If a class sucks, don’t hesitate to leave at lunch. Trust me, they never get better in the afternoon.

However, if you’re in the Seattle area, one class stood head and shoulders above the rest: “Bringing Baby Home” class by the Gottman Institute. It was a two-day class and it focused 0% on baby and 100% on how to survive your relationship when introducing this tiny screaming dictator into what was a very happy home. We didn’t take it with the Gottmans directly, we took it from a trained teacher. Like all classes, the quality of the facilitator determines the quality of the class and we loved ours. Our teacher was Amity, (who was also our post-partum doula) and she was excellent. It was easily the best thing we did pre-birth.

We did hire a doula and we loved her. She was a great resource and really a solid source of expertise on something we’ve never done. She provided two things for us: making us ‘wargame’ various scenarios ahead of time and great ‘day-of’ expertise and soothing. The scenario prep was surprisingly helpful; it made us think about when we would want interventions, pain relief, &c &c. The day-of coaching is just what it sounds like: you have someone who is there to be your advocate and expert. If this is something that sounds appealing, I recommend interviewing at least three different doulas as you will respond differently to them.

Another great thing (in the Seattle area at least) is PEPS: Program for Early Parent Support. You join up with a group of parents in your neighbor with kids about the same age. It’s just so so helpful hearing the struggles and triumphs of other parents. Plus it gets you out of the house! Sign up early, it’s just fantastic.

Giving Birth

To attempt a comic understatement, giving birth is kind of a big deal. Every parent will have different ‘birth hopes’, desires (pain management strategies, &c) as well as medical realities (e.g. our baby flipped to the breech position in week 40). That said, we comically overpacked for our stay at the hospital. There are lots of lists of childbirth prep items, definitely peruse them. But here are the things you definitely will NOT need

• Books, screens, or anything to do. 100% of your time will be spent feeding, sleeping, trying to feed, or trying to sleep. If you’re lucky, you’ll peruse some headlines on your phone for a few minutes.
• Multiple changes of clothes. Maybe pack one semi-nice shirt for the de rigeur “hospital photo-shoot” but, outside of that, have a bathrobe, pajamas, and some clean underwear.

We did like bringing our own pillows. That was nice.

The only certainty about birth is that your experience will be wildly different from anyone else’s. Our first day of our parent group, each family shared their “birth story.” Literally every single one said, “Oh it was a disaster! We…” Nothing went according to plan: there was nearly giving birth in the elevator, C-sections, 10+ hours of labor, etc. Yet at the end of the day there were eight babies nestled in arms and none of that mattered.